Veering Off

I am a list-maker...a planner. I have a schedule that I like to stick to. Ask my husband. He hates it. I say this because, my original "plan" when I started this blog was to allow the first few posts to be a vivid description of the things and people closest to me starting with my relationship with God, my husband, each one of my children individually, my family, and friends. I feel like, if people who read this have the sense of "knowing" these people, they'll understand more in posts to come when I reference them or a situation. However, while I intended for my next post to be about my amazing husband and our road to get to where we are today, I am veering off of my "plan", which is, by the way, extremely difficult for my OCD self, tonight because I feel I need to address something that the Lord has laid on my heart. I'm not really sure where this is going, so bare with me. 

I have been betrayed, deceived, and discouraged in life just as we all have. That's part of life. It's not fair. Not everyone has the best of intentions or takes others feelings in to consideration. I have even, again, just as everyone has, been hurt by the people that I consider to be closest to me. I went five years without speaking to a dear friend of mine that I have known since elementary school all because of a disagreement. Situations like this are why I feel that the main components in any healthy relationship are trust, loyalty, and honest communication. I hate, let me repeat H-A-T-E, confrontation and drama. If I think that a particular subject MAY bring about an argument, I will ignore it. For years. Forever. I'm not kidding. I would rather pretend like nothing ever happened and "fake it 'till I make it." I've done it for so long that it has become my way of coping. It's not healthy, it isn't mature, it isn't even justifiable, truthfully, but it is a lesson that life has taught me, unfortunately. I'm also really bad about changing habits, but that's another subject. I am so bad about letting someone know how I feel that I will allow them to continue to hurt me over and over again, whether they are intentionally trying to do so or don't even realize that they are. I'm a push-over basically. Thankfully, I have a husband and friends and family who will stand up for me and FORCE me to stand up for myself. I'm veering off subject here, although I'm not sure what that is just yet,

 to be honest.

Another wonderful coping mechanism that I have is retraction. I will pull away from whoever it is that has hurt me until there is absolutely NO relationship left. I don't "extend the olive branch" well. If I don't allow you to be a part of my life, you can't hurt me. How lonely will my life be if I do this forever? While I am an extremely trusting person, to a fault even, once I've been hurt, you don't get the opportunity to do it again. Once you've hurt me, I may forgive you, but the bridges have been burned. I carry this heavy burden of grudges that, at times, becomes unbearable. Here's the truth of the matter that my brother has tried to help me understand for years and it just won't sink in: people are who they are. They become so set in their ways and you can't change them. You have to love them as they are and accept them. There are people in this world that will support you and love you unconditionally and there are people who are selfish and vindictive. There are people who will be honest and loyal and there are people who lie straight to your face and stab you in the back. There are people who will forever refuse to admit any fault in any situation and pretend as if they have done nothing. Truth be told, have we not ALL been one or all of the above at some point in our lives? Have we not ALL hurt someone? Have we not ALL said or done something we shouldn't have? Have we not ALL refused to accept responsibility for our actions or words? Does that mean we aren't worthy of forgiveness? Does God not forgive our every transgression? If He can forgive ME of all that I have done wrong, I think I need to work on forgiving others for what they've done to hurt me or my family. Even if the wound is still fresh, I want to become a person that is willing to open my heart to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive. We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete. I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please Him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in His time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until he work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

Phillipians 1:6

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18:21-22

This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.

My prayer is that I am able to show "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" (Colossians 3:12) as He calls His children to do. I pray that, with God’s help, I am able to forgive others as the Lord forgave me.

Obviously, God knew "where this was going" before I did.

-B-