My Journey

I used to think that having a relationship with God was about keeping all of these rules because I HAD to out of fear of eternal damnation. You know, that whole "religion" thing. I was raised in the Methodist church, was Christened as a baby, went through Confirmation Class when I was 12, knew the books of the Bible, attended church every Sunday morning and night, Wednesday night and any other times the doors were open. I was all "churched up." BUT, I never really had a relationship with God. I never really understood what everyone was referring to when they discussed their deep passion to live for Christ. I thought I was doing that, wasn't I?

My brother, Kevin, is a minister in the Baptist church. When I was 14, he invited me to go on a youth trip with his church, as he was, at that time, the youth minister. Off we went to Pigeon Forge. That was a crucial turning point in my spiritual journey. I actually FELT the presence of the Holy Spirit!! I was taken aback, torn apart, and wept uncontrollably. I, at the time, had NO idea what was going on and, quite frankly, felt like a huge idiot for crying like a baby and not knowing why. It was a God thing. I made a decision to turn my life around and begin to follow Christ. I had an accountability partner I would speak with regularly and read my Bible constantly. It was said when I returned home by some that I had been sleep-deprived and brainwashed. People also said that I wasn't the same person. Isn't that the point of salvation? To change your life completely and turn away from sin? Let me say this, I didn't go about it the right way. Obviously, the "Judge not, that ye be not judged" verse didn't sink in very well because, for everyone that was judging me and my new-found salvation, I was turning right around and pointing my finger at them and what THEY were doing wrong in THEIR lives and I was not very respectful while doing so. I was the reason that I had despised church all along: I was a judgmental hypocrite! I started questioning my "salvation" and whether or not it was even real...was I really just emotionally drained, overly exhausted, and imagined this magical love and passion for God? So, I gave up. I went about my life and went back to the same life of "religion" I had led before. I then got to the point that I didn't even follow the rules out of fear any more. I was lost....broken. There was so much going on in my life. I didn't know where my place in this world was. I struggled for years.

I then got married and gave birth to my first child, Hayden. I realized that, every decision I made, whether I viewed it as being one that only affected me, would forever affect my child too. I got back in church and found an amazing church home! I, for the first time since my trip as a teenager, saw God working within my life. I discovered that I have a servant's heart and that is my passion. I love serving the Lord and His people! I get so much more out of doing for others than they get out of my small acts! I could see my relationship with Him growing by leaps and bounds every day! While I was pregnant with my second son, Collin, I made the decision to join the Baptist church. Because I had never been baptized by emersion, we set up my Baptism date. I was about seven months along in my pregnancy with Collin, so we decided to wait until after he was born.

While my relationship with Christ was flourishing, my marriage was dwindling. My, then husband, and I separated for the fourth time when Hayden was 15 months old and Collin was 5 months old. One month later, I experienced the most emotionally uplifting event of my life. I was baptized. As I stood in the baptismal font waiting to be submerged, I realized that this very personal decision was a decision that not only would change MY life, but my sons’ lives as well. Their Mommy was rededicating her life to the Lord and pledging to live a Godly life and, in turn, raise my children to glorify Him. I watched in awe as God showed Himself to me as we struggled through a nasty divorce and me becoming a single mom. Prayer was no longer a bed-time ritual, but constant communication with God throughout my day. My Bible no longer stayed in my car from Sunday to Sunday, but on my bedside table, readily available for my daily devotionals. It became more than just my Bible. It was now the best “self-help” book every published. I could again see my relationship with Christ growing every day. I didn’t feel like I HAD to keep the rules to avoid hell. I CHOSE to follow God’s word because I loved him and WANTED to please and serve him. My motives in life became less about me and all about Him each day. Then “it” happened. I had heard the saying that “someone gets the church in a divorce.” Very true. As a result, I now had no church home to call my own. I had lost my support group, my friends, and my accountability partners.

My, now husband, Chase, and I started dating. Between the two of us, we have a very diverse denominational background. Methodist, Baptist, Mormon. We needed to figure out where WE stood together on our beliefs. We tried a few churches but just couldn’t find the fit. We got married and began attending a local church that we had heard wonderful things about. We immediately fell in love with the pastoral staff and church members. We had that “he’s preaching to me” feeling every Sunday! This is a place where there’s no doubt that the Holy Spirit is present! Our boys were learning and developing an understanding of God and how much he loves us and Jesus and what He did for us. They were coming home every Sunday ecstatic about how much God loves us! It hit me that we were where we needed to be and that Chase and I were leading our children to walk in His light when Hayden, then 2, said to me, “Mommy, Jesus lives in my heart. He saves me and protects me!” I was blown away!! How awesome is it that he is so assured of his salvation at two years old? I gave birth to our daughter, Eadie-Bella, in October 2010. We talked with the church staff and attended a membership class a few weeks after she was born. I hounded the Associate Pastor with questions and kept him on the phone for over an hour. This was not a decision that Chase and I were going to take lightly. We weren’t going to join a church because they had an awesome praise band or because the Lead Pastor could be a stand-up comedian on the side. We weren’t going to make such a huge decision for our family because the kids brought home cute art projects every week or because we experienced an emotional high every Sunday. We wanted to make sure that our beliefs lined up with the church’s theology and that their theology lined up with God’s word. I, as I always do on any major decision, consulted my oldest brother, Kevin (the Baptist minister), and he brought to my attention several things I needed to consider before joining. We finally decided two weeks ago to join the church and are now proud to call Destiny Christian Center our church home! We know that God is working within our church, our family, and us as His children each and every day. Our relationship with the Lord is never perfect, never complete, and never fully-mature. We are growing and learning every day. Our prayer is that we can use each and every situation, good or bad, to glorify Him. I have a personal inspiration that I strive to be more like, but I’ll talk more about her in a later post. We want to raise our children for the Lord because, we realize that, they’re really not ours. They are children of God and he has simply entrusted us to raise them in His love until they are reunited with him in Heaven. I don’t have unrealistic expectations that, because we love the Lord, our life will be perfect. I don’t expect to be the perfect Christian because we are all sinners. I do know, however, that, when my life is in sync with God’s word and expectations of me, His promise of His unwavering love will triumph all things because, with Christ, all things are possible.

-B-