Veering Off

I am a list-maker...a planner. I have a schedule that I like to stick to. Ask my husband. He hates it. I say this because, my original "plan" when I started this blog was to allow the first few posts to be a vivid description of the things and people closest to me starting with my relationship with God, my husband, each one of my children individually, my family, and friends. I feel like, if people who read this have the sense of "knowing" these people, they'll understand more in posts to come when I reference them or a situation. However, while I intended for my next post to be about my amazing husband and our road to get to where we are today, I am veering off of my "plan", which is, by the way, extremely difficult for my OCD self, tonight because I feel I need to address something that the Lord has laid on my heart. I'm not really sure where this is going, so bare with me. 

I have been betrayed, deceived, and discouraged in life just as we all have. That's part of life. It's not fair. Not everyone has the best of intentions or takes others feelings in to consideration. I have even, again, just as everyone has, been hurt by the people that I consider to be closest to me. I went five years without speaking to a dear friend of mine that I have known since elementary school all because of a disagreement. Situations like this are why I feel that the main components in any healthy relationship are trust, loyalty, and honest communication. I hate, let me repeat H-A-T-E, confrontation and drama. If I think that a particular subject MAY bring about an argument, I will ignore it. For years. Forever. I'm not kidding. I would rather pretend like nothing ever happened and "fake it 'till I make it." I've done it for so long that it has become my way of coping. It's not healthy, it isn't mature, it isn't even justifiable, truthfully, but it is a lesson that life has taught me, unfortunately. I'm also really bad about changing habits, but that's another subject. I am so bad about letting someone know how I feel that I will allow them to continue to hurt me over and over again, whether they are intentionally trying to do so or don't even realize that they are. I'm a push-over basically. Thankfully, I have a husband and friends and family who will stand up for me and FORCE me to stand up for myself. I'm veering off subject here, although I'm not sure what that is just yet,

 to be honest.

Another wonderful coping mechanism that I have is retraction. I will pull away from whoever it is that has hurt me until there is absolutely NO relationship left. I don't "extend the olive branch" well. If I don't allow you to be a part of my life, you can't hurt me. How lonely will my life be if I do this forever? While I am an extremely trusting person, to a fault even, once I've been hurt, you don't get the opportunity to do it again. Once you've hurt me, I may forgive you, but the bridges have been burned. I carry this heavy burden of grudges that, at times, becomes unbearable. Here's the truth of the matter that my brother has tried to help me understand for years and it just won't sink in: people are who they are. They become so set in their ways and you can't change them. You have to love them as they are and accept them. There are people in this world that will support you and love you unconditionally and there are people who are selfish and vindictive. There are people who will be honest and loyal and there are people who lie straight to your face and stab you in the back. There are people who will forever refuse to admit any fault in any situation and pretend as if they have done nothing. Truth be told, have we not ALL been one or all of the above at some point in our lives? Have we not ALL hurt someone? Have we not ALL said or done something we shouldn't have? Have we not ALL refused to accept responsibility for our actions or words? Does that mean we aren't worthy of forgiveness? Does God not forgive our every transgression? If He can forgive ME of all that I have done wrong, I think I need to work on forgiving others for what they've done to hurt me or my family. Even if the wound is still fresh, I want to become a person that is willing to open my heart to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive. We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete. I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please Him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in His time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until he work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

Phillipians 1:6

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18:21-22

This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.

My prayer is that I am able to show "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" (Colossians 3:12) as He calls His children to do. I pray that, with God’s help, I am able to forgive others as the Lord forgave me.

Obviously, God knew "where this was going" before I did.

-B-

My Journey

I used to think that having a relationship with God was about keeping all of these rules because I HAD to out of fear of eternal damnation. You know, that whole "religion" thing. I was raised in the Methodist church, was Christened as a baby, went through Confirmation Class when I was 12, knew the books of the Bible, attended church every Sunday morning and night, Wednesday night and any other times the doors were open. I was all "churched up." BUT, I never really had a relationship with God. I never really understood what everyone was referring to when they discussed their deep passion to live for Christ. I thought I was doing that, wasn't I?

My brother, Kevin, is a minister in the Baptist church. When I was 14, he invited me to go on a youth trip with his church, as he was, at that time, the youth minister. Off we went to Pigeon Forge. That was a crucial turning point in my spiritual journey. I actually FELT the presence of the Holy Spirit!! I was taken aback, torn apart, and wept uncontrollably. I, at the time, had NO idea what was going on and, quite frankly, felt like a huge idiot for crying like a baby and not knowing why. It was a God thing. I made a decision to turn my life around and begin to follow Christ. I had an accountability partner I would speak with regularly and read my Bible constantly. It was said when I returned home by some that I had been sleep-deprived and brainwashed. People also said that I wasn't the same person. Isn't that the point of salvation? To change your life completely and turn away from sin? Let me say this, I didn't go about it the right way. Obviously, the "Judge not, that ye be not judged" verse didn't sink in very well because, for everyone that was judging me and my new-found salvation, I was turning right around and pointing my finger at them and what THEY were doing wrong in THEIR lives and I was not very respectful while doing so. I was the reason that I had despised church all along: I was a judgmental hypocrite! I started questioning my "salvation" and whether or not it was even real...was I really just emotionally drained, overly exhausted, and imagined this magical love and passion for God? So, I gave up. I went about my life and went back to the same life of "religion" I had led before. I then got to the point that I didn't even follow the rules out of fear any more. I was lost....broken. There was so much going on in my life. I didn't know where my place in this world was. I struggled for years.

I then got married and gave birth to my first child, Hayden. I realized that, every decision I made, whether I viewed it as being one that only affected me, would forever affect my child too. I got back in church and found an amazing church home! I, for the first time since my trip as a teenager, saw God working within my life. I discovered that I have a servant's heart and that is my passion. I love serving the Lord and His people! I get so much more out of doing for others than they get out of my small acts! I could see my relationship with Him growing by leaps and bounds every day! While I was pregnant with my second son, Collin, I made the decision to join the Baptist church. Because I had never been baptized by emersion, we set up my Baptism date. I was about seven months along in my pregnancy with Collin, so we decided to wait until after he was born.

While my relationship with Christ was flourishing, my marriage was dwindling. My, then husband, and I separated for the fourth time when Hayden was 15 months old and Collin was 5 months old. One month later, I experienced the most emotionally uplifting event of my life. I was baptized. As I stood in the baptismal font waiting to be submerged, I realized that this very personal decision was a decision that not only would change MY life, but my sons’ lives as well. Their Mommy was rededicating her life to the Lord and pledging to live a Godly life and, in turn, raise my children to glorify Him. I watched in awe as God showed Himself to me as we struggled through a nasty divorce and me becoming a single mom. Prayer was no longer a bed-time ritual, but constant communication with God throughout my day. My Bible no longer stayed in my car from Sunday to Sunday, but on my bedside table, readily available for my daily devotionals. It became more than just my Bible. It was now the best “self-help” book every published. I could again see my relationship with Christ growing every day. I didn’t feel like I HAD to keep the rules to avoid hell. I CHOSE to follow God’s word because I loved him and WANTED to please and serve him. My motives in life became less about me and all about Him each day. Then “it” happened. I had heard the saying that “someone gets the church in a divorce.” Very true. As a result, I now had no church home to call my own. I had lost my support group, my friends, and my accountability partners.

My, now husband, Chase, and I started dating. Between the two of us, we have a very diverse denominational background. Methodist, Baptist, Mormon. We needed to figure out where WE stood together on our beliefs. We tried a few churches but just couldn’t find the fit. We got married and began attending a local church that we had heard wonderful things about. We immediately fell in love with the pastoral staff and church members. We had that “he’s preaching to me” feeling every Sunday! This is a place where there’s no doubt that the Holy Spirit is present! Our boys were learning and developing an understanding of God and how much he loves us and Jesus and what He did for us. They were coming home every Sunday ecstatic about how much God loves us! It hit me that we were where we needed to be and that Chase and I were leading our children to walk in His light when Hayden, then 2, said to me, “Mommy, Jesus lives in my heart. He saves me and protects me!” I was blown away!! How awesome is it that he is so assured of his salvation at two years old? I gave birth to our daughter, Eadie-Bella, in October 2010. We talked with the church staff and attended a membership class a few weeks after she was born. I hounded the Associate Pastor with questions and kept him on the phone for over an hour. This was not a decision that Chase and I were going to take lightly. We weren’t going to join a church because they had an awesome praise band or because the Lead Pastor could be a stand-up comedian on the side. We weren’t going to make such a huge decision for our family because the kids brought home cute art projects every week or because we experienced an emotional high every Sunday. We wanted to make sure that our beliefs lined up with the church’s theology and that their theology lined up with God’s word. I, as I always do on any major decision, consulted my oldest brother, Kevin (the Baptist minister), and he brought to my attention several things I needed to consider before joining. We finally decided two weeks ago to join the church and are now proud to call Destiny Christian Center our church home! We know that God is working within our church, our family, and us as His children each and every day. Our relationship with the Lord is never perfect, never complete, and never fully-mature. We are growing and learning every day. Our prayer is that we can use each and every situation, good or bad, to glorify Him. I have a personal inspiration that I strive to be more like, but I’ll talk more about her in a later post. We want to raise our children for the Lord because, we realize that, they’re really not ours. They are children of God and he has simply entrusted us to raise them in His love until they are reunited with him in Heaven. I don’t have unrealistic expectations that, because we love the Lord, our life will be perfect. I don’t expect to be the perfect Christian because we are all sinners. I do know, however, that, when my life is in sync with God’s word and expectations of me, His promise of His unwavering love will triumph all things because, with Christ, all things are possible.

-B-

Simply Me

As I sit here writing my first “blog”, I feel like that awkward kid in the elementary school talent show…although the spot lights are blinding, my mind is completely aware of the reality of the situation…the entire school sitting Indian-style on the gym floor in front of me with all eyes on me…waiting for me to fail. As I begin the opening line of my favorite song from Dirty Dancing, I wait for the “boos” and laughing to begin….”Now I’ve had the time of my liiiife, no I never felt like this before…” The truth is, at seven years old that was what I loved. Singing was my passion. Now, I’m all grown up and my passion is my family. I’m not trying to be a SUPASTAR blogger, nor am I trying to show my intelligence by using words as long as my leg and correct grammar and punctuation. My posts will consist of what God has laid on my heart at that moment, the funny and outrageous things my kids do and say, the amazing times that my husband and I have, and the crazy conversations and adventures I share with my family and friends. The truth is, I’m still that seven year old little girl who believes in big dreams…my dreams are just different now and coming true every day. I’m a child of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

A little background info on me and my fam…my sweet hubby’s name is Chase. I’ve known Chase since I was 13 years old. Understand, I’m 25, which is half-way to 30 and I am dreading EVERY birthday for the next five years, so that’s 12 years ago that we met. We didn’t have the pleasure of being high school sweethearts and beginning our journey together at a young age. We went our separate ways after high school and began our own adventures of being "adults." I got married, had two precious baby boys, Hayden, born in January of 2008, and Collin, born in November of 2008. I went through a divorce and, shortly thereafter, Chase and I started dating. We got married and I gave birth to the sweetest baby girl in October 2010, Eadie-Bella.  My husband and children are my world. They are truly my angels. They have made me a better person. You know how everyone says "God has a purpose for your life" or "I've found my calling"? I can truly say that I feel that God's ultimate plan for my life is for me to be devoted to my family. I don't aspire to be some widly successful career-woman, own the biggest house or drive the nicest car. My heart truly lies in nurturing my family and being God's agent in their lives. My 10-year plan is not to have tens of thousands of dollars in investments, but millions of moments invested in my children's lives creating amazing memories of their childhood. My "job" doesn't offer a 401k, but I can assure you that I will be spending my golden years rocking next to my husband and holding his hand with more love in our hearts than the day we married. Our life is really rather boring to most people. We don’t go out to the bar, we don’t party, we don’t have crazy drama…we stay within our four walls of our home and spend as much time together as we can. Chase works a lot and is an amazing provider for our family! I am a stay-at-home Mom and I strive to be the best mom and wife I can be every day. We are just trying to raise our kids in The Word and adhere to God’s will for our family. Each day, He reveals himself more in our lives. We are blessed beyond words and are so grateful for all the He has given us. Our main focus is growing in our walk with The Lord as individuals and as a family.

I will reveal more about our families and friends throughout my posts and, I can assure you, you will come to love them just as much as we do.

-B-